I’m what the book The Tipping Point refers to as a connector.  My connections are extensive, I have them all over the world.  As a result I took time to review my planner and see who I had out there.  Having lived in Australia I know a number of teachers.  I called on them for assistance.  I sent out a few emails and within days had responses and information.

I think the point of writing this blog today is to remind you, you just never know who you might meet or come across and you might call on these people again late in life.  I am a testimony to the fact I have friends all over the world.  I’ve been travelling since I was a year old.  There are people in Europe, Australia, Asia and the US I can call on for insight and expert assistance.  Keep those planners open and write down who you meet as you go about this journey.

One of my old buddies from Hong Kong had a teacher friend that lived in the Bay area.  Naturally,  I called on her for some advice because I knew her sister had been a principal.  Within hours I had emails and information from them.  Phone numbers and names have been exchanged I and I feel so much more in control.

Tradeoff Tai Tai-has found the shopping and the mahjong’s boring and took up a part time job.  She’s earning a nice little income and enjoys the work.  It’s only part time but fulfilling.  She mixes with locals and has a different slant on living in Asia.  She maybe doing something related to her career but chances it is something completely different like relocation work, teaching English or selling over priced products to her fellow expatriate. 

Trying it On Tai Tai – she has had a maid – frustrated by the experience and has gone out on her own.  She is trying to do it all, the shopping, ironing, picking up the kids, homework, entertainment, laundry and after 4 months she’s out there looking for another maid.  Trying it On Tai Tai’s don’t last – they come to the conclusion it’s too hard to do ‘it’ without a maid be it part time or full time – most Tai Tai’s need a maid.

Tai Tai in Training – you always recognize these ones.  They have a stunned rabbit look and headlights for eyes.  Everything is new, exciting and wonderful.  One of my friends called them “fresh meat” because that’s how they were still oozing with enthusiasm – or as she said ‘blood’. Lasts about 2 months then they hit the wall and realize the maids a headache, the husband’s never around to talk to and their newest buddy just got notice they are being relocated to a new place.  They have plans to learn the language, go to the gym regularly, buy new furniture, and learn to play mahjong and definitely mix with the locals.  Wrong … most of it wears off and they put on weight, get frustrated with the language, hate mahjong, and quickly learn that locals will never ask them over.  

Master Tai Tai – she’s probably lived somewhere else in Asia – done this before and is married to an Expert Expat.  By now she knows which maid will be a valuable member of the family, have extensive Asian furniture and doesn’t need another piece but will still buy some.  She has the cooking mastered and can teach you a thing or two from a city she once lived in.  Plus she’s got connection is every other Asian town, so you need to talk to her before you travel.  She’s a good Tai Tai to get to know, but she may not warm to your initially because by now she has hardened and knows that most of her fellow Tai Tai expats do not stay around too long.  They move on, just like she will one day.

Temporary Tai Tai - probably has been in the work force for a number of years.  She now no longer is employed.  She is a mom, and takes the children to the bus for the first few months and then realize they can leave it to the maid.  After all that’s why you have a maid. 

Temporary Tai Tai’s definitely enjoy tennis, lunches and shopping sprees in Shenzen or Bangkok.  She will be a member of expatriate women’s organization and has a husband that travels a lot.  That’s why he encourages her to enjoy the lifestyle and not work. 

Guilt runs along the belly of this wife. These are her sins: she is guilty of having the maid to look after the kids, guilty of no longer bringing in extra income, and guilty of spending husbands COLA (cost of living adjustment) …. And any other guilt you can think of. 

She will eventually have to give up this lifestyle and return to washing, ironing and cooking but for the moment she will ENJOY the guilt.

Turnabout Tai Tai – it’s just her and her husband here. She refuses to have a full time maid but still has the part time maid who does the basics and frees up her life. The part time maid probably cleans house, and prepares at least one meal for reheating later in the day. 

This Tai Tai travels more, plays bridge on Tuesdays, Mahjong on Friday, eats out Saturday night, takes up Golf in the winter and goes home in the summer to visit the grandchildren.

She continuously buys furniture and considers her life perfect and easier than the Temporary Expat because she doesn’t really have the same worries on her return home.  After all when she goes home, she can still have a cleaner come once a week, and buy pre-made meals at her favorite store Costco!

Sometime ago I wrote about the different expats that do the stint overseas.  I talked about the loco expat, the professional expat and the list goes on.  I have tried to explain to them the different types of expats that live overseas and you will find links here at my blog as well.  What I have come to realize is that there is a whole range of expat women often refereed to in Hong Kong  as ”Tai Tai”.

Tai Tai in Chinese means “woman” with it a connotation, so I need to explain this first.  A Tai Tai tends to have the means and where all to do nothing all day except spend money and shop.  They don’t cook, clean or work.  Their main object in life s to be happy.  They usually are a wife but they could also, effectively, be a ‘girlfriend’ or ‘lover’.

Super Tai Tai  (STT) – (this is a term a friend of mine used recently)

The Super Tai Tai – has loads of cash to spend and she never accounts for why she bought another original Channel Outfit when she already has 3 she has never worn.  Most Super Tai Tai’s are probably in the social pages, go to charity events that requires them to dress nicely and look expensive.  She would have a driver to take her places. No doubt she doesn’t know how to drive or has forgotten because her job is not to drive but to simply be a Tai Tai.

Super Tai Tai probably has a couple maids one to look after the children and one to take care of the house.  If she is lucky she also has a maid to take care of her clothes.  One year when we were looking for a new apartment we saw an apartment that had it’s own ‘shoe room’ – talk about a Super Tai Tai luxury.  Even I had to say I was thrilled with the idea of my own shoe closet!

It is suggested that these women don’t necessarily have further education but I cannot vouch for that.  They are seen shopping in small groups – I guess they value moral support.  It is possible that the husband has another ‘wife’ and as such ensures the Super Tai Tai is rewarded accordingly i.e. nice cars, diamonds, vacations.  The joke during the 97 recession was that these Tai Tai’s shopped across the border buying ‘fake’ products and boasting about it.  I believe this activity has died down, one too many convictions have probably turned them off this shopping spree.  (Please note Super Tai Tai’s are often not expatriates)

It is not true that I dream of being a super Tai Tai or aspire to be one.  In fact I’m probably now in trouble for sharing the secrets of being a Tai Tai.

I caught up with an old friend through facebook this week.  It was such a thrill to be connected with her.  To hear her story and her successes the last 15 years.  Yes, it’s been that long since I lived in Melbourne Australia. I left in 1994 to go to Sydney and in 1997 I left for America. She shared what she had been up to.  Her highlights, her achievements and her new life.  I guess in many ways I’ve done the same, I’ve had highlights, achievements and a new life but a part of me still misses the familiar.

I miss the pubs, the mates stories, the Aussie humour.  Aussie’s know how to spin a yarn and tease a mate to the point of tears of joy!  If you were to do the same in some other place it’s thought rude, or just odd.

I miss the familiar.  I still can’t get used to the fact that school starts in September.  September is when the footy ends not the start of school.  Mate give me a break.  And even though I love to burn a wood fire at Christmas I prefer the choice of slapping a raw prawn on the barbie! I love the fact I can talk in rhyming slang or drop a word that my mates totally get, rather than having to explain it to some new cobber I’ve got to know.  I cringe when someone says ‘you have an accent’.  My dry Aussie humour will reply with “and you don’t?”.  Fair crack of whip, we all have accents.

So yes at times I lament and wish for my old life where all things were familiar, where food is how I know it to be.  Where Corn Syrup is the number one first ingredient.  Where Vegemite is thought to be a normal first food.  Where you can give a child to sip a beer without being worried you’ll get a law suit.  Where you can go to a pub and cook your own steak.  Where Fish and chips are on every ones mind Friday night.  Where pies are served at a football game.

I’ve lived with revolving door friends but in America I tend to live with friends that never invite you to there home for dinner, where your a novelty, where you have to work with them to be a friend.  Friendships here are an odd thing sigh…

Yes some days my old life seems more normal.  As or perhaps it’s about

The petite Asian figure does not require large sizes on sale in stores here. Even up market fashion houses like Escada or Ralf Lauren don’t seem to cater for the larger size.  A friend of mine was visiting from overseas and she was trying to purchase something in a European 44 – 14 Australian – at Escada.  They had only one outfit that was her size but clearly not her colour.  So even these upmarket fashion stores do not cater for the tourist, let alone a larger size Asian.

Believe me not all Asian women come in a size 6 or 8 – it’s a myth.  Some days I see women larger than me and I feel like asking them: “Hey where did you get those jeans?”  The answer is they probably do like I do, buy overseas or go to a tailor across the border in Shenzen.

But after nearly 4 years of being over my pre-babies weight I decided to do a sensible diet.  So I chose one of those more sensible systems and low and behold 16 weeks later I am much lighter in weight.  I can now even go into a local store and look for something in MY size.  I don’t have attendants saying to me “we don’t have anything for you” or ‘we don’t stock your size’ and glare. In fact I’m happy to report one attendant offered me a ‘SMALL’ the other day.  You feel like kissing them.

Once I decided to try a diet that had a reputation.  I found that just about everyone else I knew on Hong Kong Island was also doing the diet.  That’s the nature of living in a relatively small community.  Though 7 million people live here the expats ‘hang together’ – so those wanting to loose a few pounds were there too.

The fall out from this diet was that my helper has also lost weight but she feels she’s lost enough now and as a result has no incentive to continue the program.  I on the other hand want to loose a few more pounds and insist we still eat as per the diet.  Every now and again she tried to ‘sneak’ in a non-diet dinner.  It’s rather cute and humorous but I can assure you if I gain weight – it won’t be.  My husband is keen to loose weight.  He said well put me on it too.  I’ve told him he won’t like it.  Hardly any butter, none of the cheese he loves, drops that after dinner drink and very few sweets.  Time will tell if he can do what I have done.

Anyway this was the perfect place to take on a diet, hand the cookbook to the domestic helper and tell her to deal with it – not so daunting and having to wonder what to cook each night!  Had I had to struggle with that it really would have been a diet daze!

With not having to worry about the dinner has meant I’ve had more time to go out and buy a new wardrobe!   Plus I’m enjoying the sales at the moment, a new experience for me in Hong Kong.  No where else in the world would a shop assistant keep her job and call a customer ‘fat’.  They’ve been known to do it here. 

Tongue in cheek

©Expat World 2008

Six years later and do I miss Hong Kong? 

I’ve always said Hong Kong is a love hate relationship.  I hated the pollution and the crowds and the somewhat arrogant attitude to people.  I loved the variety of places to go to, the markets; food, bird, ladies, Stanley, fish, jade,  - it’s all there in different places with different themes and colors.  I also miss the food.  I don’t eat Chinese food in America.  I think it’s because it just doesn’t taste the same. I know if I see “lemon chicken” on a menu I would not even consider eating at that restaurant.

I think the biggest regret for me this year is that we didn’t make the effort to get to Beijing and see the Olympics – that would have been a great opportunity.  Sigh … six years later and we still haven’t returned to Hong Kong.   I have friends that regularly go back but nothing really draws me back there, though the temptation to visit the Mainland does and for that reason one day I will still go through Hong Kong but it will be to return to Beijing. 

©Expat World 2008

A few weeks ago we had Typhoon Sam cause destruction and chaos the worst of it being the Air China plane that landed on it’s back, killing three and injuring over 200.

Then about two weeks later we were told Typhoon Wendy was coming our way.  We waited and waited but Wendy went west.

So you can imagine when I was dashing out the door on Wednesday night to go to dinner at the Grand Hyatt with my husband’s work colleague I was not worried when our apartment guard said ‘be careful Mame a typhoon 3 signal’.  I thought ‘Yeah yeah Mr Yu I’ve heard it before’.

But at midnight as I was leaving the Hyatt I said to my  friend, as I looked out over the harbour, ‘I don’t think you will be flying tomorrow’.  He was wise and changed his plans he stayed an extra day in Hong Kong.  Mind you over two hundred flights were grounded.

I woke to what seemed a rather windy morning.  My children were clearly off by lunch time, the wind was howling and I decided to move us away from the windows.  Around 2pm we taped the windows with packing tape just in case because we had had reports of blown out windows. By now we were watching the news reports coming through every half-hour on the worsening situation.  First an amber rain warning in the morning, then it was a three, then suddenly an 8 and within the hour it became a 10.  It was that sudden and that intense.  Just like a woman giving birth for the first time.  Eleven hours of wind, wailing and water.

The boys were sick of videos, channel Pearl had the foresight to play lots of family movies.  I brought out a new addition to the train set, which made no difference to my boys, in fact, it nearly caused a riot. They had both refused to have an afternoon nap the wind was so loud.  My oldest told me he was scared, I didn’t have the heart to tell him mummy was too.

We didn’t loose our power only our satellite reception and this is because the dish upstairs as we discovered today had swung around.  Fortunately it did not look like counter parts on other buildings, an inside out umbrella, with parts missing. 

By 9pm the signal was back down to a three, though it was still fairly strong obviously not as strong as earlier.  At one stage to the horror of my oldest son I went out on the balcony to video some of the weather. I even taped a jogger with a bike helmet on running up the road avoiding one of the felled trees.  It takes all types. On the news we heard about people going down to Queens Pier to watch the waves.   I read in the paper this morning of a windsurfer who is reported missing. 

All I can say is I’m glad it is over. Today the paper was delivered, the dogs were back out on the streets with their maid, the taxi had resumed their normal fares it was if nothing had happened yesterday, life in Hong Kong had resumed.  But for me there was a stillness about Hong Kong, a creepy calm, something I have never experienced before.  Very weird. Naturally there was plenty of evidence of destruction caused by York. Trees uprooted, cars and buildings blocked by limbs, lamps broken, windows blown out, debris everywhere it was a mess. All day instead of the hum of cars we heard the hum of chain saws. It will takes weeks for the debris to be removed and weeks before we forget how York turned our day into terror behind a big glass window in Blue Pool Road Happy Valley.

There is a part of me that can still bring to the surface the right snappy tone to get my point across as a real Tai Tai.  You know what I mean if you have lived in Hong Kong.  There are days you just have to pull out the trump card to get what you want.  It took me a few months before I realized what the trump card was and it may have taken some coaching from some more seasoned expats.  You only use this card in emergency situations and the card is “My Husband Said”

It is amazing what happens when you tell the door man or the handyman that the man of the house required some work to be done and really your job was just to please the man of the house!  There were many days that my husband had no idea what he had ‘ordered’ be corrected or fixed that day.  He would come home and ask what the magic words had created that day.  I loved it, it was like holding the key to Aladains Lamp.  Doormen would just to attention when I started a sentence with “my husband said’ – however it never got the bank to tell me what our bank balance was!  I guess my ranting about having had his babies just wasn’t as powerful as me saying “My husband said….”

Sometimes I think of that when it comes to my husband’s life in the tech industry.  But even in these uncertain times I am convinced that the world needs people like him and there will always be a tech industry from now on and though they call it the new economy in a few years it must be seen differently.  It will be part of the old economy no different from a brewery, automobile maker or the Golden Arches.

How new are those industries, not that much newer but still part of the old economy.  So give it a few years and Computers will be part of the old economy.  What’s different is that they are more and more in our homes than ever before and at a faster rate than a happy meal was.  I think therefore that makes the new economy more frightening for a lot of people.

With the type of work my husband does he tells me he will always be travelling.  So now nearly five years into being married I am used to asking “will you be here next week?”  Sometimes when I’m frustrated with the fact he’s around I ask little questions like “are you travelling soon?”  One of my good friends married to a similar travelling husband would say nicely “haven’t you got some country to visit next week”.

Deb and I both love our husband and both feel we had married the right person, we are both in love with our men.  BUT just having a little break every month is also good for the marriage.  In fact sometimes I wonder if that’s why our marriages are so good.  The travelling gave us, our space, our freedom and independence.  Now I don’t think this is for everyone but given both Deb and I married later in life we were used to doing our own thing.

My desk is messier when he’s not around, my activities don’t seem to be scrutinized as much and most importantly I can hang out at the computer longer while he’s away.  We share the office area so with him around home (especially as now he is trying a work from home program for the company) I cannot come into the office if he’s working there.  The big sighs and the earplugs in his ear are enough to warn me off.  Now he tells me the earplugs are only there because I tend to bash the keyboards.  My excuse is I type fast. 

I do like it when he travels I can make as much noise and mess as I like, I only have myself to answer to.  It’s a bit like having no parent around!

It does get down when they are away and a whole bunch of couples are doing something so you feel you should not intrude.  But then again sometimes it’s hard when a whole bunch of women do something and you feel you should stay home because DH (darling husband) has been on the road for 3 weeks.  You feel you should spend time with him.  Why don’t they choose a week to see a movie when he’s out of town!

This travelling of a spouse makes for an interesting marriage, it can be stressful but it can also be fun.  You learn to make major decisions like what school your child should attend or where you are going to live without your partners input. You learn all about fixing trains, transformer toys and that your children use your husband’s absence to get things they want. You learn to call on others when the computer shows signs of stress.  You learn to store up those unanswered questions till when he comes home and pick the right time to bring it up.  You learn not to pounce on a tired hungry jet lagged husband with a problem till at least 24 hours.  You learn that when it comes to big questions you and your husband are often the only ones that care and the company really doesn’t.

So if you choose this life, think carefully because a travelling spouse is not around to help you change a nappy (diaper), convince a child lettuce is good for them or help you do the taxes!