Following on from my previous Tai Tai blog here are my thoughts on being a Temporary and Turnabout Tai Tai;

Temporary Tai Tai - probably has been in the work force for a number of years.  She now no longer is employed.  She is a mom, and takes the children to the bus for the first few months and then realize they can leave it to the maid.  After all that’s why you have a maid. 

Temporary Tai Tai’s definitely enjoy tennis, lunches and shopping sprees in Shenzen or Bangkok.  She will be a member of expatriate women’s organization and has a husband that travels a lot.  That’s why he encourages her to enjoy the lifestyle and not work. 

Guilt runs along the belly of this wife. These are her sins: she is guilty of having the maid to look after the kids, guilty of no longer bringing in extra income, and guilty of spending husbands COLA (cost of living adjustment) …. And any other guilt you can think of. 

She will eventually have to give up this lifestyle and return to washing, ironing and cooking but for the moment she will ENJOY the guilt.

Turnabout Tai Tai – it’s just her and her husband here. She refuses to have a full time maid but still has the part time maid who does the basics and frees up her life. The part time maid probably cleans house, and prepares at least one meal for reheating later in the day. 

This Tai Tai travels more, plays bridge on Tuesdays, Mahjong on Friday, eats out Saturday night, takes up Golf in the winter and goes home in the summer to visit the grandchildren.

She continuously buys furniture and considers her life perfect and easier than the Temporary Expat because she doesn’t really have the same worries on her return home.  After all when she goes home, she can still have a cleaner come once a week, and buy pre-made meals at her favorite store Costco!

Sometime ago I wrote about the different expats that do the stint overseas.  I talked about the loco expat, the professional expat and the list goes on.  I have tried to explain to them the different types of expats that live overseas and you will find links here at my blog as well.  What I have come to realize is that there is a whole range of expat women often refereed to in Hong Kong  as ”Tai Tai”.

Tai Tai in Chinese means “woman” with it a connotation, so I need to explain this first.  A Tai Tai tends to have the means and where all to do nothing all day except spend money and shop.  They don’t cook, clean or work.  Their main object in life s to be happy.  They usually are a wife but they could also, effectively, be a ‘girlfriend’ or ‘lover’.

Super Tai Tai  (STT) – (this is a term a friend of mine used recently)

The Super Tai Tai – has loads of cash to spend and she never accounts for why she bought another original Channel Outfit when she already has 3 she has never worn.  Most Super Tai Tai’s are probably in the social pages, go to charity events that requires them to dress nicely and look expensive.  She would have a driver to take her places. No doubt she doesn’t know how to drive or has forgotten because her job is not to drive but to simply be a Tai Tai.

Super Tai Tai probably has a couple maids one to look after the children and one to take care of the house.  If she is lucky she also has a maid to take care of her clothes.  One year when we were looking for a new apartment we saw an apartment that had it’s own ’shoe room’ – talk about a Super Tai Tai luxury.  Even I had to say I was thrilled with the idea of my own shoe closet!

It is suggested that these women don’t necessarily have further education but I cannot vouch for that.  They are seen shopping in small groups – I guess they value moral support.  It is possible that the husband has another ‘wife’ and as such ensures the Super Tai Tai is rewarded accordingly i.e. nice cars, diamonds, vacations.  The joke during the 97 recession was that these Tai Tai’s shopped across the border buying ‘fake’ products and boasting about it.  I believe this activity has died down, one too many convictions have probably turned them off this shopping spree.  (Please note Super Tai Tai’s are often not expatriates)

It is not true that I dream of being a super Tai Tai or aspire to be one.  In fact I’m probably now in trouble for sharing the secrets of being a Tai Tai.

Occasionally I would run into my friend Michael who was the program manager for 3AW-radio personality Derryn Hinch.  If you asked Michael how work was going he would say, “what time is it?” which meant did he still have a job.

Sometimes I think of that when it comes to my husband’s life in the tech industry.  But even in these uncertain times I am convinced that the world needs people like him and there will always be a tech industry from now on and though they call it the new economy in a few years it must be seen differently.  It will be part of the old economy no different from a brewery, automobile maker or the Golden Arches.

How new are those industries, not that much newer but still part of the old economy.  So give it a few years and Computers will be part of the old economy.  What’s different is that they are more and more in our homes than ever before and at a faster rate than a happy meal was.  I think therefore that makes the new economy more frightening for a lot of people.

With the type of work my husband does he tells me he will always be travelling.  So now nearly five years into being married I am used to asking “will you be here next week?”  Sometimes when I’m frustrated with the fact he’s around I ask little questions like “are you travelling soon?”  One of my good friends married to a similar travelling husband would say nicely “haven’t you got some country to visit next week”.

Deb and I both love our husband and both feel we had married the right person, we are both in love with our men.  BUT just having a little break every month is also good for the marriage.  In fact sometimes I wonder if that’s why our marriages are so good.  The travelling gave us, our space, our freedom and independence.  Now I don’t think this is for everyone but given both Deb and I married later in life we were used to doing our own thing.

My desk is messier when he’s not around, my activities don’t seem to be scrutinized as much and most importantly I can hang out at the computer longer while he’s away.  We share the office area so with him around home (especially as now he is trying a work from home program for the company) I cannot come into the office if he’s working there.  The big sighs and the earplugs in his ear are enough to warn me off.  Now he tells me the earplugs are only there because I tend to bash the keyboards.  My excuse is I type fast. 

I do like it when he travels I can make as much noise and mess as I like, I only have myself to answer to.  It’s a bit like having no parent around!

It does get down when they are away and a whole bunch of couples are doing something so you feel you should not intrude.  But then again sometimes it’s hard when a whole bunch of women do something and you feel you should stay home because DH (darling husband) has been on the road for 3 weeks.  You feel you should spend time with him.  Why don’t they choose a week to see a movie when he’s out of town!

This travelling of a spouse makes for an interesting marriage, it can be stressful but it can also be fun.  You learn to make major decisions like what school your child should attend or where you are going to live without your partners input. You learn all about fixing trains, transformer toys and that your children use your husband’s absence to get things they want. You learn to call on others when the computer shows signs of stress.  You learn to store up those unanswered questions till when he comes home and pick the right time to bring it up.  You learn not to pounce on a tired hungry jet lagged husband with a problem till at least 24 hours.  You learn that when it comes to big questions you and your husband are often the only ones that care and the company really doesn’t.

So if you choose this life, think carefully because a travelling spouse is not around to help you change a nappy (diaper), convince a child lettuce is good for them or help you do the taxes!

My husband has been travelling for weeks it seems.  Last week he was in town so I made a doctors appointment, finally, for him to see a skin specialist the GP had recommended he see some 6 weeks prior. 

The GP gave us the contact name and number; I called that contact number only to find out we needed to go to the specialist’s rooms in town.  Not a problem I made the contact with this doctor who we shall call Wang.  I explained to the receptionist the booking was for my travelling husband.  Fine so we made the booking for the week he would be back.

Husband was relieved to be finally seeing someone about what looks like a touch of skin cancer.  I too was relieved husband was in town long enough to make time to see a doctor, let alone us.

So the Thursday after his return he went to Doc Wang.  About ten minutes after the designated appointment he called to let me know that I had sent him to the wrong Wang.  Not to worry this Dr Wang new the other Dr Wang and even gave husband the address and contact details.

I have made a new appointment for husband with the write Wang but due to weather conditions here in Hong Kong he hasn’t seen him yet and is now as I write on his way to Shanghai for a week.

I felt for sure when I had called directory for the phone number that I had said the right Wang – on finding the original card the GP had given us for the referral I discovered it was they who had given us the wrong Wang. 

Given the original doctor said to husband that it happened all the time, I would have thought his receptionist would have asked some more probing questions.  Perhaps like the Banks here they are not quite sure which wife you might be, the first or the other wife!

In any event I have learnt when getting referrals just check you are going to the right place.  Next time we might end up with a limb missing that never needed to be gone!  But I guess it’s one better than the guy who wasn’t put under sufficiently during his operation to then overhear his surgeon ‘buying a car’ on his mobile while operating on him.  I have an image of a surgeon scalpel in one hand phone in the other – shivers.

I think that case is still in court!

It’s 3am the phone rings, husband has left the day before for the US, somehow I turn on a light and remember who I am. 

“Hi I’m here”

“Great”

“What’s the combination to my suitcase?”

“Use your key for the padlock”

“No what’s the combination”

“Okay try 3333″

“No”

“okay try 1111 or 2222″

“NO”

“That’s because I put a padlock on it”

“Oh *#%^ I have someone else’s suitcase”

“bye”

It took me a little while to get back to sleep and meanwhile I thought about that particular suitcase.  The o/s trip last month saw that case come home with major damaged.  It had obviously had an altercation with a conveyor belt, the trim was sticking out the zipper damaged and the padlock gone. United Airlines sent out their man to collect and repair the suitcase.  I remember taking off all hanging nametags – had I replaced them – was his newly repaired suitcase marked?  Who was the unfortunate soul in the Bay Area wanting their clothes? Had I left the red ribbon on to mark our luggage?  What did he have in his suitcase?  I guess he could go to Mervyns and buy new clothes, a buying spree, wish I were there.

When we spoke in the morning (my morning) he had been back to SFO and picked up his suitcase.  All was back to normal.

Moral to story when travelling make sure you take your suitcase off the carousel. Make sure you easily mark your suitcase so you know it’s your suitcase, tie a ribbon, big colored belt around it or stickers.  Who cares if you suitcase stands out at least you won’t get to your destination and discover you have the wrong one.  You might even witness someone else picking up your suitcase from the  carousel.

And if you happen to meet my husband waiting for luggage remind him his case is the one with the red ribbon on it.

Happy travels

Side Note;

Though Samsonite’s are built to last – we have now had two eaten up by Chep Lap Kok’s conveyor belts – and the airlines have been more than willing to admit liability and fix at no cost to us.   Dragon Air did a no questions asked fix it job when I returned from Beijing last year some time and United Airlines also replaced a zipper and sewed up the side of the case in question.  In the case of Dragon Air I didn’t notice the damage till I got home – they never queried it. 

When I turned 36 in Sydney I celebrated my birthday at the London Hotel in Balmain.  You know the one with the wrought iron balcony and the best view of The Bridge a pub can offer.  It only came to my attention as I was thanking my friends for being there that night they were all MEN.  Now I don’t mean to boast but for a bachelorette in Sydney I was doing quite well.  At that dinner of 9 men only two were gay and the rest were single.  I remember turning to two girls sitting at a nearby table and suggesting they join in.  Needless to say my bachelor flat mate made sure that evening those girls were not too jealous.

Why do I write about this you say? What has this got to do with Hong Kong? Who is interested in my former life?  The reason is simple.

In the last month I have had two conversations with friends here about the lack of male friends.  This conversation took place with other female friends who too were used to spending time with men.  There are many women who just gravitate to male company as against spending time with women.  Those people survive here but after a while you start to notice the lack of men in your life.

Sure I have three men in my life, but a three-year-olds conversation is a little different from a thirty-year-olds conversation.  In the past I have had no issue with my husband if I go out with my male buddies, in fact in Sydney last year I even slept in the same room as my old room mate.  I can’t imagine life without some of these men but here in Hong Kong I have no choice.

The best male friend I have is my husband; we are old friends going back twenty years, who then got married.  So we have lots of common interests and stories.  But even here in Hong Kong he’s not around to chat with.  My friends are now female and outings, dinners and lunches are often all female based. 

I go to lunches held by the AWA (American Women’s Association) and if you see a man there you presume he’s the guest speaker.  If you see a man in the company of a woman you know, you automatically presume they have company.  We are a member of a dinner group but more than often I go on my own, because Peter travels, and why I go is I long for that ‘male’ input into conversations.

I do have a male friend here and this is so unusual. The two women I was talking to about the lack of male company were completely jealous when I told them that I have a male friend here.  Stuart my single male friend has been most helpful to our family.  I’ve rung him up to fix a cupboard, hang a picture and even pretend to be Santa because Dad just wasn’t around to take a call from my oldest as to why didn’t get a train in his gift bag at the Mall!

So if you are planning on coming to Hong Kong as an expat be warned this is a top-heavy female place with Men being the novelty because they are AT WORK.

What do you say to a woman who says to you “I don’t love him”?  Lots of things I guess, but what if you were still celebrating her wedding that day?  Not much comes to mind.

This is a story a friend told me the other day while she sipped another wine having just got over the wedding the night before.  She and her partner had been invited to the reception of two friends one of whom they knew quite well, well as can be expected. 

I guess my friend must have realized there something wrong because she told me a guest at the wedding toasted the bride and groom in the most unusual manner.  The toast was more a threat along the lines of you do anything to make life miserable for the bride and you will rot in hell.  I believe most of the guests at this point started to see the whole thing as a joke or the very least not going to last.  Divorce papers were being discussed before the bridal waltz was played.

It is said that the bride was a bit worse for wear and during most of the speeches she had her head down ‘resting’ no doubt from the enthusiasm of being a new bride.  Well at least at this wedding there was more alcohol flowing I am told than the recent Beer Festival my husband attended in Tsing Toa.  He tells me he didn’t see any beer there.  Well apparently there was no beer from other countries and that’s what it was being called ‘The Tsing Toa International Beer Festival’.  Perhaps that’s because the beer got drunk at the wedding where my friend was?

A few of the wedding guests hung back because it was clear the bride and groom had nowhere to go so the stragglers offered to take them on to a bar in the bar district. It’s at this place the bride whispered across the table to my friend “I don’t love him”.  Those that hung back witnessed the bride lash out at a late arriving guest who she accused of trying to have it off with her new husband.  I’m confused she didn’t love him so why would she care?

I don’t know one can only feel confusion, especially as my wedding day was the happiest day of my life.  I didn’t drink I didn’t need to I was so high on life that day I came across as drunk.  Well at least one of my friends accused me of this months later.  It was too bloody hot to drink and the beer would have been warm more than I can say about Tsing Toa where there was none.  I guess I’ve never experienced anything in Australia where there wasn’t a beer around.  I do miss my Ice beer, Coopers Ale and the odd VB at the London in Balmain.

I’m glad I married someone I love and occasionally have a Tsing Toa with or a San Miguel. 

PS I wrote this letter from Hong Kong about five years ago – and the friend I mention is me! – I was the person that experienced this whole wedding – it’s funny now but at the time! oh boy, oh boy what a disaster.

Occasionally I would run into my friend Michael who was the program manager for 3AW-radio personality Derryn Hinch.  If you asked Michael how work was going he would say, “what time is it?” which meant did he still have a job.

Sometimes I think of that when it comes to my husband’s life in the tech industry.  But even in these uncertain times I am convinced that the world needs people like him and there will always be a tech industry from now on and though they call it the new economy in a few years it must be seen differently.  It will be part of the old economy no different from a brewery, automobile maker or the Golden Arches.

How new are those industries, not that much newer but still part of the old economy.  So give it a few years and Computers will be part of the old economy.  What’s different is that they are more and more in our homes than ever before and at a faster rate than a happy meal was.  I think therefore that makes the new economy more frightening for a lot of people.

With the type of work my husband does he tells me he will always be travelling.  So now nearly five years into being married I am used to asking “will you be here next week?”  Sometimes when I’m frustrated with the fact he’s around I ask little questions like “are you travelling soon?”  One of my good friends married to a similar travelling husband would say nicely “haven’t you got some country to visit next week”.

Deb and I both love our husband and both feel we had married the right person, we are both in love with our men.  BUT just having a little break every month is also good for the marriage.  In fact sometimes I wonder if that’s why our marriages are so good.  The travelling gave us, our space, our freedom and independence.  Now I don’t think this is for everyone but given both Deb and I married later in life we were used to doing our own thing.

My desk is messier when he’s not around, my activities don’t seem to be scrutinized as much and most importantly I can hang out at the computer longer while he’s away.  We share the office area so with him around home (especially as now he is trying a work from home program for the company) I cannot come into the office if he’s working there.  The big sighs and the earplugs in his ear are enough to warn me off.  Now he tells me the earplugs are only there because I tend to bash the keyboards.  My excuse is I type fast. 

I do like it when he travels I can make as much noise and mess as I like, I only have myself to answer to.  It’s a bit like having no parent around!

It does get down when they are away and a whole bunch of couples are doing something so you feel you should not intrude.  But then again sometimes it’s hard when a whole bunch of women do something and you feel you should stay home because DH (darling husband) has been on the road for 3 weeks.  You feel you should spend time with him.  Why don’t they choose a week to see a movie when he’s out of town!

This travelling of a spouse makes for an interesting marriage, it can be stressful but it can also be fun.  You learn to make major decisions like what school your child should attend or where you are going to live without your partner. You learn all about fixing trains transformer toys and that your children use your husband’s absence to get things. You learn to call on others when the computer shows signs of stress.  You learn to store up those unanswered questions till when he comes home and pick the right time to bring it up.  You learn not to pounce on a tired hungry jet lag husband with a problem till at least 24 hours.  You learn that when it comes to big questions you and your husband are often the only ones that care and the company really doesn’t.

So if you choose this life think carefully because a travelling spouse is not around to help you change a nappy (diaper), convince a child lettuce is good for you or help you do the taxes!

Some days I have to stop and ask myself did I mention that to my husband?  He travels so much that sometimes I forget if I informed him of a dinner invitation, child’s milestone or unpaid bill.  One year I forgot to tell him about a Ball I was co-chairing – so I took a date instead of him.

I often think of my husband as a friend first, husband second.  We have known each other over 25 years and married only 5 years ago.  This makes living this weird expat life easier I feel, because we have similar interests and old friends – the rest seems so incidental to our life at times.

Especially the new friends we are making.  I know he has a hard enough time to keep up with who these new friends are.  I will mention someone’s name and he looks quizzical at me as if to say “should I know them?”.  Sometimes I wonder if he should and other times I have to stop and think has he even met them since living here?

So often conversations are filled with tit bits to bring him in the picture with what I’m planning for us.  It is usually necessary for me to preface my story with how we know the person.

I think that in our time of living here we have met many people and I for one has met even more.  We have also seen many people leave and just disappear it seems, gone to another country without a question or a good bye.

Last year it seemed the doors were not revolving doors but more like swinging doors.  In / out went our friends in a matter of three months early 2000.  This year it has been less perhaps I have become more cautious in whom I select as someone we should socialize with.  Perhaps it has become more obvious to me who is definitely on the move and who is staying long term.   It is also obvious to me that those that are hear for the long haul often do not associate with short-term assignees.

The doors that open with all sorts of friends are varied.  Expats who have done it before, first timers at this game, dinks, expats with kids, empty nesters, singles and let us not forget the newly weds all trying in another country.  I have found that a great deal of the people that try this type of life tend to have a spouse from another country i.e. he’s American she’s German.  It makes sense to send these people overseas they have the travel bug already.

Revolving door friends is hard on some people; you feel you are repeatedly telling your life story.  Sometimes I feel like putting a tape in a machine and just fast forward to the appropriate answer to the question the new friend is asking.  

This lifestyle takes its toll on some so think twice if you are thinking of doing this, divorce is not uncommon and there is talk of an Expat Spouse Syndrome. I recommend you find books on your new home and read up on what to expect and what not.

Some people meet a good buddy once they arrive in their new home and that helps.  I’ve made lots of good friends but my “bestest” friend is my husband. He is often on the road but when he comes home we make time to catch up over dinner at our little club. 

If you see us at the Aviation club you’ll know not to interrupt because we’ll be catching up on what’s happened the last week.